Online

"Well, as far as I'm concerned, the Internet is just another way of being rejected by women."

                                                                              --George Pappas, You've Got Mail

Just to remind you, this blog is not to say that any of these methods are no good for meeting your spouse. They are just the ways I have tried to meet someone and have been unsuccessful. This is especially applicable to today's content. I have so many friends who have met their husband or wife using an online dating site and are happily married. This just hasn't been my experience, as you will see by the sampling of experiences I am choosing to share here.

I should mention that I attended college when the internet was just becoming a thing. I had to install an ethernet card into my desktop computer in order to hook it up to the DSL outlet in my dorm room. My freshman roommate didn't even have a computer. During my junior year of college, the movie "You've Got Mail", a movie concerning people who met on the internet and finally meet in person at the end, was released. Online dating was somewhat taboo. People who met online felt some shame of admitting that that was how they met, and others were cynical of the types of people who would stoop so low as to try to find someone online. In college I did not join any online dating sites or really frequentl them in my online surfing as I was at a school where most of the students held similar beliefs to me, and there were plenty of guys to get to know.

After graduation and moving back to my home state, there was a lack of men in my geographical area who had similar beliefs and life goals to me, and so I casually began checking out the online dating scene, creating free profiles on several sites, but never paying for a full membership. As I continued to age without meeting someone, I decided to pay for a membership on a couple of sites in order to get more out of the service. To this day I still have free memberships on a few sites and one paid membership, just to keep options open.

I have, however, found that online dating is no less like dating in real person. Some guys are still creeps, some are nice, but not ready for commitment of any kind, and others still just do nothing. I have had a few significant experiences with online dating, some with good out come, some not so desirable. Let me share three of these experiences with you.

First there was Ned (names have been changed). Ned's online profile was quite intriguing. He had served a mission in Japan for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (members of the same church, always a plus). We had similar tastes in music. His dating profile pictures were fun and honest. We began by talking online, IM-ing after work. Then he asked for my phone number. We lived many states away and phone calls seemed to be the next step we could take, so I gave it to him. For weeks we would talk nightly, seeing how each others' days were, getting to know each other, supporting each other through hard times. Then all of a sudden, nothing. He stopped calling, with no explanation. I would call and leave a message. I still have no idea what happened to him. Maybe he died, maybe he was in an accident and lost his memory due to brain damage, maybe he was just inconsiderate and ignorant. I tried to make contact for a little bit after his calls stopped, but eventually gave up and moved on.

Next there was Ken (again, name changed). Again we started off messaging back and forth, learning more about each other, discovering our similar interests. After quite a while of messaging, we decided to meet up at a local renaissance fair. I had always wanted to go to one, and he had been going to them for quite a while, so it seemed like the perfect public place for our first meeting. While we both had a great time, it was clear that our relationship was not going to go far beyond friendship. But I still consider this online meeting the most successful one I have had.

Finally, there was a guy who seemed genuine in the beginning. We chatted online, had one phone call, but he kept telling me he could never love a woman who wouldn't wear make-up all the time. Gross. He told me my profile picture was cute, and he new the media image I was duplicating (WWII Rosie the Riveter), but that because it was a more masculine depiction of me, he wasn't sure I was feminine enough...could I take some pictures that were more feminine with make-up and in a dress? RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!

I have often thought of ending my online dating memberships. These thoughts come mainly when I get a notification that I have had some new views to my profile and they are either from guys who haven't taken the time to upload a picture and fill out their profile (lazy much?) or from guys who have looked at my profile numerous times and yet not taken any action in communicating with me. Why don't I resign my memberships? Mainly because where I am right now, there are so few single men in my geographical area that I feel the only way to meet someone will be online. To those of you who have not tried online dating, just keep it it in perspective. It is not unlike dating in real life. If you aren't having success off line, online may not be much different.

By Feeding Him

"Young women, resist too much hanging out, and encourage dates that are simple, inexpensive, and frequent. Don’t make it easy for young men to hang out in a setting where you women provide the food. Don’t subsidize freeloaders. An occasional group activity is okay, but when you see men who make hanging out their primary interaction with the opposite sex, I think you should lock the pantry and bolt the front door." --Dallin H. Oaks

I love to cook. Maybe too much. I buy cookbooks like kids buy trading cards. Except I won't trade my cookbooks. They are full of tasteful treasures waiting for creation.  And I love creating them. And I'm rather good at it. In fact, I currently hold the title of Best Cook In The Mission, awarded by the missionaries serving in my ward.

Admittedly I have cooked specifically to entice a guy to fall for me. I mean, they say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and I can make a mean meal, so why not use my talent for cooking to impress a guy? Because usually this ends with him loving my cooking, even wanting to marry it, but not loving me.

Being a single lady in a ward with missionaries for over 8 years, it has been easy to invite guys over for a meal to try to impress them, with the ruse that it is because I need another priesthood holder in at the meal in order to feed the Elders. Now, I am not trying to impress every guy I invite. I try to be an equal opportunity priesthood feeder. But I can not lie: I have used the missionaries to feed guys I wanted to get to know more.

And every time my food receives rave reviews.

If my cooking is so good, why wouldn't that entice someone to get to know me better and see if my other talents and characteristics are just as good, if not better, than my cooking?

The funny thing is, I bet most of the guys I have fed over the years were just thinking, "Awesome, free food." And thus we see the huge hole in my logic. When food is present, that is pretty much all a guy will think about. Not the beautiful girl who created it, but his desire to eat.

And that's okay. I guess a marriage can't be built on good food only.

At a Church Dance

"Dancing can be fun and can provide an opportunity to meet new people."

Dancing has been part of Mormon culture since the beginning. Early prophets encouraged dancing as an exercise and as a form of social engagement. Caution has always been taken to keep church dances in line with gospel principles, i.e. nothing suggestive of immoral acts or music that describes sinning.

And so the church puts on dances for its youth and singles. There used to be more family oriented dances, like the Gold and Green Ball, but the occurrence of those has dwindled, and dances are mainly put on for teenagers and unmarried adults.

My question is: Why?

When formal dancing was taught to children I can see where dancing might be a good social activity. I have watched and read enough Jane Austen to see the benefit of organized dancing in social situations. But today dancing is anything but social. Lights are dimmed, music is too loud, and you're so sweaty that you probably won't put up the best impression. As stated by Kat in "10 Things I Hate About You," Who the hell would go to that antiquated mating-ritual?

I have attended church sponsored dances since I turned the magical age of 14, the age the church has set for admittance into such social soirees. I attended the Rose Prom, the "coming out" event that I thought had been done away with, but doing a google search proved that at least one stake had a Rose Prom last year. My father presented me as a now eligible female teen to all the 14-18 year-olds of my stake. We stood under the lattice arch trimmed with twinkle lights as my name was read, waited for the other 14 year-old females to be presented, and then danced to "A Whole New World." It was the first time I ever saw my dad wear a suit, and I love him for that. I remember the people I danced with, all nice, but I had no idea how to dance, what music they were playing, or what to say to these awkward teenage boys who only knew how to do the "Deacon Shuffle."

Now into my early 30s, dances still remain a major component of singles' life in the church. Every single adult conference I attend includes a dance (don't try to hide it by calling it a mixer). And yet I see the same behavior, though now the guys are not doing the Deacon Shuffle, but are trying to impress us with Steve Urkel dance moves. It is also a social situation in the church that I find on the verge of worldliness. We are taught to avoid all appearance of evil, and yet here are Latter-day Saint singles trying to perform dance moves indicative of breaking the law of chastity. Guys dancing this way are not the kind I want to marry, nor do I want to waste my time at an event where this is what is going on.

For this reason, I have pretty much stopped going to church dances. In my late 20s I went because I felt I had to show Heavenly Father that I was putting forth an effort to meet guys for him to bring the right one into my life. But I just don't think I will find the right one in a dark room with thumping music and gyrating bodies.

Apologies

So, it's been almost 2 months since I said I was starting this blog. I got such good feedback and everyone sounded so excited. Then I flopped. I have been working on the first "How I Didn't Meet My Husband" story for so long that I've actually found a husband.

JK. No the first of the series will be posted within the next 24 hours, with a new edition every 1-2 weeks. This is the goal. Hold me accountable, loyal readers. If I haven't posted in the last 14 days, email me every hour (or so) until I do. And remember, this is all in fun and just to get some great stories out there. See you soon!!

Premise

A few months ago the bishopric of my singles ward (labeled young single adult, but there are many of us that are over 30) decided that it would be cute to have the visiting third Sunday high counsel speakers tell the stories of how they met their wives. There has been only one of these stories that I didn't want to run out of the chapel during (being the ward organist, it would be pretty obvious if I left from the stand). Most include the usual married before 25, meeting at BYU or some other Utah institution, with an occasional "I had to wait so long (24) to meet my wife."

Now, while these stories my seem cute and romantic, they are quite off putting for those of us for whom the miracle of marriage has not yet occurred. Consider the 35 year old sister in the congregation listening to the 28 year old brother who is married with 3 kids talk about how he had to wait until he was 24 to find his eternal companion. Wow! That's old!

From frustration I began to think of the story I would tell the next time I was asked to speak. "Brothers and sisters, the Bishopric has asked me to introduce myself by telling the story of how I didn't meet my husband." I would then go through all the typical ways young Mormon couples meet, court, and marry, most of which I have tried, but with the tragic ending of never getting married. I have spent countless commuter hours thinking of just the things I would say.

Then I realized that would be totally inappropriate for sacrament meeting. Retribution is not a Christ-like attitude, and the stories would probably hurt and confuse some in the congregation. But still, I wanted to get these stories out there, especially when the bishopric seems to think that we are doing nothing to gain exaltation by way of getting married. (There is a story I want to share about what one of them said to me in the temple, but I will save that for it's own post)

So therefore, I begin this log of the many ways I didn't meet my husband. Please don't think of it as bitter mid-single sister trying to get back at the throngs of mid-single brothers. My main purpose is to show that even when you're trying all avenues of socializing in the single LDS realm, you may still be single, and, get this, righteous! So enjoy the stories, comment, and let me know if you want to guest blog if you have a "How I Didn't Meet My Spouse" story of your own you would like to share.